“At the peak of my powers, I laughed.
In the deepest abyss, I laughed.”
I abhor love, at least as it has come to be defined. It is dreamy, it is a hormone-evoking dangerous drug. It is paralysing and hypnotic. I have come to abhor social intercourses. I find them noisy, and I have been developing a noise cancellation device in my head. All the words spoken, heard and manifested hit me and bounce back into the air. Mostly, they are words – a by product of a man made language. I, quite snobbishly, abhor the mediocrity of conversations, the futility of them, the shallow faces of them. Not that I like profound depth of everything. Knowing well the perishable nature of everything, how can I develop an unambiguous eternal love for anything. How can I find meaning in it.
How can I find meaning in shallow ambitions and aspirations. Especially, if I find it easy. Where is the dopamine? What if I find it easy to be rich and difficult to be poor? Will I not chase poverty then? Will I not go for the greater challenge? In my surreal conversations with the philosopher, I find contradictions of beliefs, an oxymoronic existence of theories. Will I find solace there? Some argue there is no solace. The chase of solace is like an infinite line, a treadmill that you keep running on and not move. It’s maddening. I am not blessed to be born with solace, or stillness. Is my life all about finding stillness, an effort so hard and demanding that it is tiring – totally against the way I am wired. I read fasting makes you calm so I didn’t eat. Starving made me feel strange, so I gorged again. May be, I need to fast longer.
I don’t like the idea of god. It sounds foolish to me. I don’t like religious people. I stay away from them. I think the mysticism of existence is more charming than the confirmation of a deity. After all, we are just an ordinary race packed in this planet, prisoned with our beliefs. What if we could fly away from the sky, travel across the universe. But gravity keeps us grounded and imprisoned. We are perhaps not meant to see the transcendent that’s why we make calculated guess and sell them to ourselves. We like our foolishness, and we have our definition of wisdom.
I learnt sometime ago that we are more bacteria than cells. These bacteria in our gut define our personality, control our mood, cognitive functions and beliefs and decisions. Fuck free will. These tiny creepy microscopic creatures control us. Haha! Have fun guys thinking you are in control. May be, we all are actually in simulation. Play as long as it lasts, for it doesn’t last long, or does it.
Be First to Comment